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Day 1 (Training): My excitement for new music training is not helping this headache.
Day 3: Uh-oh. Am I losing my voice too? (Spoiler: I did not)
Day 5: I learned this music so much faster than Hong Kong rep, I’ve got this.
Day 1 (Fall Tour): I so do not got this.
Day 4: These youth were such an encouraging sight for me. So why am I so worried?
Day 5: Come on. Your set could have been better. Work harder. Your routes aren’t accurate enough. Do better.
Day 6: HOUR AND A HALF LATE? ARE YOU KIDDING? HE TOLD YOU MORE TIME. WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN?!
Day 7: Lol, late again. Why don’t you just give up?
I like to think of myself as an open person. I like to share my thoughts with people because I believe that the best way to have peace of mind with my own self or to resolve conflict with a loved one is to let them know what bothers me. Because how can someone begin to understand you, if they do not know your feelings?
The problem is, even though I believe in this for myself, I would be lying if I said I really practiced what I preached. I open up to people about my problems, but really I only do so when I’m safe. By safe, I mean when I have already resolved my feelings for myself, and therefore I don’t risk being hurt. I have all my defenses ready if something were to go wrong. That is how I have always defended myself.
This strategy may work against people, but it doesn’t work with God. I can make the whole world believe that I am fine, but God will not be deceived and he never is.
I have gone so far as to sacrifice my own beliefs to protect myself from betrayal or pain. I will tell myself lies that I know aren’t true and pretend that I don’t believe the truth. I will deny my own belief in Jesus’ commandments in order to justify my own actions, even when I know it is sin. I will tell myself that the consequences of my actions don’t matter because no matter what I do, I deserve them anyway. I will force myself not to love, so that I may never get hurt.
I will force myself to believe in these lies so that I can deaden myself to the pain. Make myself believe that I cannot be hurt. Put up walls so that I am alone. Alone and protected.
And every time…
“Do you really believe that?”
It’s never harsh. Never angry. Never condescending. Only pained. Only sad. Only loving.
It’s a simple phrase, but my defenses are shattered in a moment. God can see straight into my heart and remind me of myself. He knows me better than I know myself.
This may sound scary, but remember this. The path of Christ is filled with suffering. Jesus’ led a life of great suffering, and so it is necessary that we go through suffering as well. As followers of Christ, we cannot throw away our identities as “saved by Christ” for fear of feeling pain. Our lives are worth much more than that. If we weren’t worth anything, God would not have sent down his Son to save us.